the sound of music.

a few feelings March 30, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — in2deep @ 6:06 pm

anger. distress. sadness. a heart broken into a million little pieces. sinking heart. a ship sailing fast. living by the minute. an unhappy heart. disappointment. deception. lies. hopelessness. a lost path. an uncertain future. faithless. anger. tears. a tainted past. pain. tragedy after tragedy. fasle promises. shattered dreams. a broken home. a bizarre reality. warped ideals. knowing the unknown. scared. afraid of tomorrow. despair.

and most important of them all.

unconditional love.


Blogwordoftheday: You. March 29, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — in2deep @ 6:34 pm

I breathe for my own necessity,
for the fuel of my body,
for my survival..
I’ve given you,
not my sacrifice or my pity,
but my ego and my naked knee..
i love you.

Nothing can matter to me – not even you.

Can you understand that?

Only my love – not your answer.
Not even your indifference.
I’ve never taken much from the world.
I havent wanted much.
I’ve never really wanted anything.
Not in the total,
undivided way,
not with the kind of desire that becomes an ultimatum,
yes or no,
and one cant accept the no without ceasing to exist.

That’s what you are to me.
But when one reaches that stage,
it’s not the object that matters,
it’s the desire.

Not you, but I.
The ability to desire like that.
Nothing less is worth feeling or honouring.
And I have never felt that before.
I’ve never known how to say “mine” about anything.

Not in the sense I say it about you.


Did you call it a sense of life as exaltation?
You said that.
You understand that?

I can’t be afraid.

I love you.


Blogwordoftheday: Time. March 22, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — in2deep @ 6:38 am

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can’t keep up
and I can’t back down
I’ve been losing so much time


in the end what you dont surrender, well the world just strips away.. March 20, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — in2deep @ 11:23 am


I remember the first time I found out about him. I believe M hated him. She said he was pompous and rude and she wanted to slap him when he spoke. I have a habit of taking the side of the person I don’t know over my own friend, so I didn’t really say anything to that. I just laughed it off thinking “he’s probably not that bad”. M & I never take anything seriously and make a joke out of everything, so I started calling him Andy. Poker faced. Serious. No-nonsense, almost grim: Andy. When I had to make a lot of fun of him, I’d say Endy. This eventually turned to ND. For security and humour purposes. 🙂

I don’t think b knows this as seriously as I thought or felt it, but Andy was my favourite. I loved him. I made endless plans with him. Endless. None of which ever materialized. There are so many stories about Andy. I’ve been racking my brains since last night trying to think of that was said that one night where we exchanged so many texts. I told him all about me. He told me all about him. He told me he has a sister. And a neice. Who was going to turn 2 last year I think. During that sms exchange, I remember telling him how sick I was of everything. How it had been so many years and I still had nothing to go by. Nothing. And how nothing ever made sense, and how I didn’t even know if any of this was even real.

That night he promised me he’d meet me on Friday. I remember telling him that he’d better call me in the morning, and I didn’t care about anything else. He had better show me this all was real. A meeting. A phone call. I’d believe it.

That Friday I waited all morning. Through the afternoon into the evening which became night. I was so mad. He was the one person who was going to give me something tangible. Anything. I didn’t care what it would be. I just needed to know. That night I found out that he was in trouble with some of the intelligence people. He’d been seen last getting beaten up and taken by some men.

After a while we all presumed he had been beaten up because he wouldn’t say anything, so they had killed him. None of us believed it. It was weird. It couldn’t be true.It was Andy. I remember I kept praying for it to be untrue somehow. For him to somehow come back. I didn’t want to believe it. It was Andy. I don’t know how else to explain it. It was Andy.

Through some miracle, a few months later, Andy came back. We found out he was alive. He came back. He had been through hell. I was so happy that day. All of us were. It gave me some sense of hope that sometimes when all is lost, a part can be regained. Through a miracle no less, but it can be.

There’s so much to say about Andy. He had been there from the start. He’d always been there. He always took care of everything. He never gave up. He was took off from the case too many times. He stayed in touch somehow or the other. Every time. He did everything that he could. Every time. He didn’t care if he got into trouble.

Andy was one of the only two people left who had been with b since everything began. Who helped him. Who was always there for him. He got into trouble so many times because of b. He got into trouble but was always there the next day. Helping out in any way he could. Always. Last month, around the 18th, Andy got shot. He got shot and had lost too much blood. M, b, and I prayed so much for him. We prayed and we prayed and that night, on the 20th, he became a little stable.

Our life didn’t.

Things kept happening. They are still happening. But throughout the things, I never thought Andy was seriously ill. I thought he was okay. I thought he’d be okay. It was Andy.

He was going to be all better, and when all this was over, he would shift in with b, and stay even after b and I got married. He’d shift in and we’d take him wherever we went, because he’d be our family. He was our family. He would marry M, and all four of us would be the happiest people anyone would ever meet. I’d tell him to retire from everything, and all of us would just not do anything in our lives. Just be. And that would be all our wishes fulfilled.

Last night at 10:30pm, Andy breathed his last breath. They tried to revive him but they couldn’t. It hasn’t hit me yet. I don’t know if I want it to. There was so much I had to do. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to meet him. I wanted to make more plans with him and I wanted them to materialize. I wanted him to be b’s brother and my best friend.

But I guess I won’t be able to. Not in this lifetime atleast. Life likes to play sick twisted games with me I guess. And I guess I have no choice but to let it.

I miss you Andy. I’ll see you at the crossroad.

All my love,



update. March 16, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — in2deep @ 5:40 pm

my life hasn’t changed in all the time that i haven’t been blogging.
it has its moments where it went from bad to worse to worst to bad.
i have had a few almost breakdowns,
but i survived.

i will spare everyone the details.
it was hard enough living through it the first time.

but one good came out of it.

i drove!:D

i drove myself after almost 3 years.
and it was…
it was scary.
all at the same time.

i loved it.

i love driving.
love it.

other than that…
i had an awesome basant.

i want to write about it even though it’s been almost a month.
but not today.

i am going to watch a movie.
i will post about my best basant ever tomorrow inshallah.
but congratulate meeee on me being able to drive in the meantime you guys?:)


Blogwordoftheday: Know. March 15, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — in2deep @ 12:27 pm

Late at night
You’re taking me home
You say you wanna stay
But I want you to go
Say I dont love you
But you know Im a liar
cause when we kiss



BlogThought: how it all began. March 14, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — in2deep @ 7:17 pm

one sunday afternoon,
God was bored.
He was thinking what He should do.

and that is how it all began.

a thought came to His mind.

He decided to play a trick.

He created a creature with a face,
a body,
arms and legs,
and something else which He had never given to anything created before.

and then a world was created for the creature to live in.
and he was sent down.

the creature,
called human,
was told that you have been given a brain,
and the freedom to live your life the way you want to.

what He forgot to mention to the humans was that He has already written down each

day of the humans life.
and how it will be spent.
what choices will be made.
what decisions would be made.
when he will come back to Him.

a brain was given to the humans,
to make them think that they have control over their life.
that they could choose to become and do what they aspire to,
and what they dream of.

it’s all a big lie.

in reality,
the story of our lives has already been written.
we are just puppets following the unknown,
a path called destiny.